Resolving Difficulties in Relationships

Tiny processes to deal with difficulties in relationships

When dealing with a difficult situation in a relationship there are few healthy ways to proceed. There are no quick fixes, and one approach that fits all situations is not true either. Still it is likely this can help...

1) Ask the person for about an hour of undistracted time. Preferably meet in a pleasant and a place without many outer disturbances. It can help to light a candle or  keep something from nature (eg. a few flowers) between you.

2) Share your intention to heal and harmonize this relationship and at the very least to better understand each other. Give them an overview of this process before starting so they know what to expect. Enter the process with a willingness to listen to each other with an open mind, so you can both understand how you suffer.

3) Take turns to answer these questions: 

(a) What are my three highest life values (what is most important to me in life)? 

(b) What are my three highest relationship values (what for me creates deep, strong, connection/meaningful relationships)? 

Avoid making references to the current problems or blaming each other for past deeds or action  in your relationship when responding. Answering these questions reminds us of our inner wisdom and puts us in a good frame of mind to proceed further. This step is based on neurological research that found that this leads to healthier conversations between people with very different points of view.

4) Start with appreciation. Take turns alternately sharing what you like, respect, appreciate, cherish and love about each other. Be specific and share actual instances as far as possible - so it is evident that you both really mean what you are saying. This is important because it reminds us of all that has been right and beautiful in this relationship and creates a strong foundation to explore further.

5) Move into self reflection. Each of you share what you sense YOU can improve moving forward (focus on now and the future instead of lamenting the past - keeping the lessons, releasing the pain). Take responsibility for YOUR part in the current predicament and be specific about how you want to change your perceptions, responses and behaviors in future. Remember this not just for them, this is for you - you being the best version of you!

6) Invite further inputs. Each of you now requests the other to SUGGEST what the other can do to ‘ease, revive and renew your relationship’ MOVING FORWARD (this is not a time to get into blaming and fault finding based on the past). Listen without reaction. Just listen and receive. You don't have to respond right away. You can take more time to consider their requests and commit later if you wish. For now listen and receive their suggestions and requests with an open mind. It can help to make notes so you remember what they suggested.

7) Reflect on your time together and share how you are feeling NOW. Be honest. Not everything can change in a single conversation. Focus on the positive movement that was made, even if it was small. Decide on the next steps. Maybe you will want to repeat this process a few more times.

It is helpful to have a talking object (eg. anything nice to hold in the hand, like a small object or stone) so that you don't inadvertently interrupt each other and so you can speak slowly, with pauses and deeper breathing. Once done speaking, put down the talking object and the other can pick it up when they are ready.

This process can also be done with more than two people. It just requires some more time in that case. If matters are very bitter and contentious, it can be good to have a neutral person present that all of you trust to facilitate this process and keep you from interrupting each other or saying things that are judgmental and hurtful.

Whenever this therapeutic process is applied,  it has led to deeply healing and heart warming encounters. Maybe some of you need this right now? Adapt this process to suit your specific situation. Trust your wisdom. Everything is unfolding as it should.

This process is based on one central theme of an approach where a willingness to resolve exists and a belief that,

Everything is happening for the greater good. 

Everything can be joyfully improved.